Shane "The Swedish Speedbump" Mooney

Standing at a commanding 5'5", Shane is the left-handed engine of the group, navigating the course with the quiet confidence of a guy who thinks his blue Volvo SUV makes him look like an international man of mystery. Proudly flying his Irish roots, Shane brings a desperation to the social scene that is nothing short of heroic. He is aggressively single and so eager to mingle that he’d happily step into an unmarked van on the promise of a mediocre first date, even if it means waking up in an ice bath missing a kidney.

On the course, Shane’s signature aesthetic choice is a pair of outrageously stupid sunglasses—a fashion crime he commits with absolute pride, specifically because he knows it drives Vin Spezia into a state of blind, vein-popping rage. Beyond the questionable eye protection, Shane is actually a remarkably decent golfer. He has fully embraced his massive, sweeping slice, managing to play it like a fine art form by aiming three fairways to the right and letting the laws of physics do the heavy lifting.

The real tragedy of Shane’s game isn't his ball flight; it's what happens once he actually reaches the green. A masterclass in ball-striking immediately dissolves into a comedy of errors the second a putter touches his hands, as he adamantly refuses to stop three-putting. If he could learn to read a green half as well as he reads a room before making a terrible romantic decision, he’d be dangerous. But until then, expect Shane to slice it onto the green, drop a smooth three-putt, adjust his awful shades, and ask if anyone knows any singles in the area.