Dan "Schnidebone" Snyder

Dan Snyder, the beacon of mediocrity on the Dick Touchers golf team, is a paradox wrapped in a polo shirt that desperately needs laundering. Despite his noble intentions and commendable humanity, Dan's golf game is a tragic comedy of errors that leaves spectators wondering if he's trying to invent a new sport altogether. Playing more golf in the past year than in his entire life, which admittedly wasn't much to begin with, he's managed to defy the laws of improvement with each swing. His faithful dedication to a singular polo shirt suggests either a lack of wardrobe or a deep-seated commitment to impress absolutely no one. A self-proclaimed Pittsburgh Steelers fanatic, Dan proudly displays his allegiance with a forehead-slapping tattoo that screams "regrettable life choices." It's a wonder he hasn't blamed his golf woes on a conspiracy by the rival Ravens or Bengals—anything to distract from the fact that his game is more lost than a Steeler in the offseason.